


The Mansion of Michael Von Munchausen

by clockworkindy



Category: Free!
Genre: Bickering, Halloween, M/M, catherine and mike, dumb nerds, not really that scary, stage performance, vampire!Rei
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-27
Updated: 2014-10-27
Packaged: 2018-02-22 20:39:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2521067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clockworkindy/pseuds/clockworkindy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Halloween performance by the dynamic duo.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Mansion of Michael Von Munchausen

**ACT 1**

  
_**SCENE 1.** ~~Spooky~~ Foreboding Forest, dark trees and the sound of ~~screams~~ owls._

_Enter CATHERINE stage left._

> **CATHERINE**  
>  It's been so long, please let me find some help. I'm here all alone and I need to find help.

_CATHERINE turns to the audience_.

> **CATHERINE**  
>  Oh someone help me, I'm so desperately lost. I've seen nary a person for three days and what is a poor girl like me to do here? No light, not a trace of life but the owls and the wolves. My family, my family must be so worried about me, not once have I left home for this long.

_CATHERINE shivers and rubs her arms and then her hands together, blowing on them._

> ~~**CATHERINE**~~  
>  ~~Oh harsh Winter, you provide so much opportunity for the Spring and seriously how long is this monologue going to go for I think everyone gets the point by now.~~   ~~BUT WHAT ABOUT THER SUBTLETY, THE ROMANCE OF WORDS AND DRAMA, THIS IS MEANT TO BE SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL.~~     ~~Beautiful is fine but short can also be beautiful we don't want everyone to die before we finish this.~~    ~~I'll erase what I can but I'll have you know I am not happy about this change.~~

_CATHERINE sits at the roots of a gnarled tree, looking to the sky_.

> **CATHERINE**  
>  Perhaps help will come tomorrow...

_CATHERINE lays down to sleep. Curtains close_.

**END SCENE**

 

**ACT 1**

_**SCENE 2.** Mansion bedroom. CATHERINE is laying in a large bed in the centre_.

 _CATHERINE sits up from a bed and yawns, stretching_.

> **CATHERINE**  
>  Goodness gracious, where am I? Perhaps I was brought here by a kind stranger. One whom can help me return home. I'm ever so excited to meet them, truly a kind heart that shan't go unrewarded! And oh my, never have I slept in a bed so plush and warm.

_A knock comes from stage right, directing CATHERINE 's attention toward it._

> **CATHERINE**  
>  Eh? Hello?

_Enter MICHAEL stage right_.

> **MICHAEL**  
>  Good morning madam, I trust you slept well.
> 
> **CATHERINE**  
>  Are you the kind soul who helped me?
> 
> **MICHAEL**  
>  I did only what any decent person would do my dear. May I know your name?

_CATHERINE rises to her saviour, taking a bow_.

> **CATHERINE**  
>  Catherine. May I know your name as well?
> 
> **MICHAEL**  
>  Of course. Michael ~~Smith~~   ~~Nagisa that's hardly a majestic name~~.   ~~But that's what came up when I searched for names online.~~   ~~But you looked up English last names, you need something Romanian or Russian, something fancy sounding~~   ~~Vladimirescu~~   ~~Stalin~~   ~~NAGISA NO~~   Von Munchausen   ~~That will do~~   ~~THAT NAME WAS GERMAN here I thought you would appreciate historical accuracy~~     ~~Nagisa please we're half an hour behind schedule for this~~
> 
> **CATHERINE**  
>  Oh, how wonderful. I owe you so much.
> 
> **MICHAEL**  
>  My dear you can repay me by keeping me company this day. I'm certain you must be famished at this point.
> 
> **CATHERINE**  
>  Oh my yes, I am. I've been wandering alone for three days.
> 
> **MICHAEL**  
>  Very well my dear, allow me to take you to the banquet hall.

_CATHERINE follows MICHAEL out stage right. Curtains close_.

**END SCENE**

 

**ACT 1**

_**SCENE 3**. Banquet hall. Lavish decorations are on the table. CATHERINE is seated as MICHAEL enters stage right with a plate of food and a bottle of wine ~~HELL YEAH~~   i ~~t's just fruit juice~~   ~~why would you give me hope like that why~~_

> **MICHAEL**  
>  I hope you find this meal to be to your tastes.
> 
> **CATHERINE**  
>  Oh my thank you. Thank you for the meal.

_CATHERINE ~~eats everything~~     ~~SHE~~ BEGINS TO EAT HER FOOD POLITELY ~~YOU BARBARIAN~~_

> **CATHERINE**  
>  Oh, everything is so delicious!

_MICHAEL chuckles ominously_

> **MICHAEL**  
>  Well, these recipies have been handed down the Von Munchausen family for generations, I'm glad to hear you enjoy it.

_MICHAEL pours CATHERINE a glass of wine. ~~LIES ALL LIES~~   ~~Nagisa please...~~   She picks up her glass and smells it._

> **CATHERINE**  
>  My what a curious wine, is this a part of your family's history as well?
> 
> **MICHAEL**  
>  Why yes it is, although a relatively new recipe.
> 
> **CATHERINE**  
>  Aah, surely the rest of your family lives with you? Such a large house, I surely hope not to intrude.
> 
> **MICHAEL**  
>  I live alone, believe me when I tell you your company is rather refreshing.
> 
> **CATHERINE**  
>  Oh you poor soul, rest assured as soon as I am able to return home I shall surely keep in contact with you.

_MICHAEL chuckles ominously once more_

> **MICHAEL**  
>  Aah yes, that shall be... quite wonderful.

_CATHERINE gasps_

> **CATHERINE**  
>  Oh that reminds me, do you have a phone I could borrow? I need to call my family, surely they're rather worried about me.
> 
> **MICHAEL**  
>  I would be happy to but unfortunately this house is rather old. Tonight I would be happy to walk you back to your village.
> 
> **CATHERINE**  
>  Oh, but during the day would be much safer. Surely the wolves are sleeping now?
> 
> **MICHAEL**  
>  Unfortunately the sun doesn't agree with me ~~WOW I WONDER IF MICHAEL IS A VAMPIRE~~   ~~This is for the sake of tradition Nagisa.~~   ~~Tradition was fine like a hundred years ago. Mike should be a robot.~~    ~~MICHAEL SHOULD NOT BE A ROBOT.~~
> 
> **CATHERINE**  
>  Oh I understand, ~~NO YOU DON'T YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN A HORROR MOVIE~~   ~~NO NAGISA SHE HAS NOT~~ I would appreciate it though, I can't thank you enough for your hospitality.
> 
> **MICHAEL**  
>  My dear it's a pleasure. I'm afraid I must sleep now though, I often find people lost in the forest at night and sleep during the day. You're welcome to go anywhere you desire...

_MICHAEL gestures toward a grandfather clock in the background_.

> **MICHAEL**  
>  But I ask you not touch my grandfather clock; it's an heirloom as old as can be and I always fear that it may break. I have rooms for every purpose and you may do with the house as you please so long as you do not make a mess.
> 
> **CATHERINE**  
>  Rest well, and if there is anything I can do for you please let me know.

_MICHAEL exits stage right_

> **CATHERINE**  
>  I must find a way to repay this man.

_CATHERINE picks up her wine but drops it, spilling it on herself. ~~REALLY first of all it isn't real wine second of all I don't even get to drink it?~~   ~~I'll give you the rest of the juice after the performance~~   ~~can't you get me wine instead?~~   ~~YOU ARE UNDERAGED. NO.~~_

> **CATHERINE**  
>  Oh goodness! I should clean this mess up right away.

_CATHERINE searches for a few moments around the room for a cloth and finds one by the door of the Grandfather clock. She tugs on it and opens the door, only to see a staircase leading down_.

> **CATHERINE**  
>  A staircase inside the clock? How curious! I recall the kind sir saying to stay away but... But I must see what there is on the other side!

_CATHERINE climbs inside the clock. Curtains close._

**END SCENE**

 

**ACT 1**

SCENE 4. Catherine enters the crypt stage left. She looks around curiously.

> **CATHERINE**  
>  My, I wonder what this room is made for? It's so empty and there are so many boxes.

_She continues walking until she hits the centre of the stage. A ~~corpse~~ skeleton drops from the ceiling. CATHERINE screams. MICHAEL walks up behind her as she staggers back until she bumps into him._

> **MICHAEL**  
>  I believe I told you to stay away from the Grandfather clock?

_CATHERINE screams again and runs off stage right. MICHAEL sighs._

> **MICHAEL**  
>  These rude guests never learn their lesson.

_MICHAEL storms after CATHERINE stage right._

CATHERINE enters from stage right, panting.

> **CATHERINE**  
>  A dead end! Oh no! Anyone, please save me!

_MICHAEL enters casually stage right._

> **MICHAEL**  
>  Catherine, there is nowhere else to run. You've made a poor decision and must pay for your insolence.

_MICHAEL bares his fangs and leaps at CATHERINE, consuming her in his cape as she screams._

\---

Blood poured from the general area of Nagisa's neck as he shrieked. One of the girls in the audience screamed as well, but moreso about the fear of blood hitting her favourite shoes rather than anything life threatening. Once inside Rei's cape Nagisa was trying his hardest not to laugh at Rei's up-side down stern face, watching a droplet of the red mixture fall from his chin to his lips in a perfect streak.

"Nagisa..." He chided in a hushed but exasperated tone. "That was far too much blood."

"It was dramatic! It was exciting!"

"Subtlety, Nagisa. Have you never heard of such a thing?"

"Of course Rei, subtlety. I don't do subtlety though."

Rei smacked his forehead and groaned.

"Well as long as the rest of the performance goes well we should be able to save this." Nagisa smiled.

"I know you're nervous about the finish, here's just the thing for good luck."

Nagisa pressed his lips ever so tenderly against Rei's, leaving him with a blush and the warmest smile just for him.

Until Rei's face turned grumpy again.

"Nagisa, that kiss makes it look like you've had a nosebleed."

"Great, I'll look undead!"

Rei gave an affectionate eyeroll, only to feel a tap on his shoulder to signify the curtains had closed and it was their turn to help move the remaining items for the following act. They quickly set to work, being done in half a minute.

\---

Hiroki never wanted to do this.

But as the youngest member of the swim club he had no choice really. He spooked easily, and as his captains mentioned on several occasions they were reminded of an old friend of theirs who had graduated the previous year.

He cleared his throat before turning his mic on.

_Tap tap._

"Hello? Is anyone here?"

He walked onto the stage from the left and watched as his captains turned around, both seated at the banquet table prop.

"Welcome." Spoke Rei, his front fangs sharpened.

"Welcome!" Echoed Nagisa, those same plastic fangs in place.

"Won't you join us for dinner?"

The blood. The blood dripping from their faces and smeared on their clothes and on their teeth was all too much. Hiroki screamed and ran off, leaving his captains.

Nagisa and Rei turned to Gou on the side of the stage who shrugged and signalled the end to their play; as good a place as any. And at least they were able to scare one member of their school, even if it was the one person who was meant to act scared rather than to actually be.

Nagisa and Rei bowed to the audience. They received a tepid smattering of applause for their efforts. The curtains closed and the pair removed their clip-on mics. They walked towards Gou as another club moved to set the stage for their Halloween performance.

She had her head buried in her hands.

"Gou, what's wrong? Everything went to plan!"

She took her head out, face flushed bright red with embarrassment.

"It's... it's nothing." She muttered. "Congratulations on you two by the way."

Rei stood still in shock as Nagisa stumbled on his words.

"Wait wait wait, how do you know?" Nagisa turned to Rei to ensure he was okay. Breathing at least.

"Your mics. You forgot to turn them off. When you had your conversation. Your private conversation."

Nagisa had rarely in his life blushed but did so worse than he ever had in his life. He was surprised to be woken up from his thoughts by a hand clasping his own.

"Well if the school knows about us, then so be it." Rei explained, smiling. "It won't change a thing."

Both Gou and Nagisa smiled, agreeing. He wrapped Rei's arm around himself and held him close until they were ushered away by the next club's captain.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Halloween everyone


End file.
